


No Buzz Axes Allowed

by therustykage



Series: The Psycho and the Assassin [5]
Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: BL2 Universe, Bathroom Sex, Comedy, Developed Friendship, Drunkenness, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Friends With Benefits, Lots of Laughs, M/M, Male Zer0, Mercenary Day, Public Blow Jobs, Rare Pairings, Sexual Content, the masks stay on...sorta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:47:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28078680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therustykage/pseuds/therustykage
Summary: Gaige invents a fun game for everyone to play to celebrate Mercenary Day. Later in the evening, a mildly intoxicated Zer0 corners Krieg in the men's room for a little celebration of their own.
Relationships: Krieg & Zer0 (Borderlands)
Series: The Psycho and the Assassin [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844674
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	No Buzz Axes Allowed

**Author's Note:**

> *Note* There are a lot of references in this fic from the 4 previous stories in this series. So some of the jokes might get lost in translation, so to speak. But I think I explained most of it so there is no real need to read the other stories, unless you're interested :)
> 
> I think we all need a little something extra this holiday. I hope you enjoy the fun.

**xx**

**Can** you hear that? Somewhere in the distance, a psycho is singing.

Once a year the inhabitants of Pandora celebrate Mercenary Day in their own special kind of way. Some put up decorations and some cooked a feast. While others gave the gift of guns and went on killing sprees all in the name of good cheer. No matter how the holiday was celebrated one thing was for sure – it brought everyone together in unusual ways.

And vault hunters were no exception.

It was an occasion to remember good times, create new ones, and celebrate those they lost and those that still fought for the struggle.

"Ok guys, the rules are simple," Gaige began to explain, standing before two tables crammed with her friends, who all sat awaiting her instructions at Moxxxi's. "You can't take a shot at the dartboard until you share a wish – and it has to be good! Nothing too gloomy. If your wishes are voted into the top two positions, two of you get to throw. After ten rounds of wishes are shared the one with the most points wins the game."

The group of new and old vault hunters sat around two tables pushed together. They all glanced at each other briefly after Gaige spoke and nodded.

Salvador, Krieg, Axton, Maya, Zer0, and even Mordecai, Lilith, and Brick were all present, working on a warm buzz, celebrating their version of Mercenary Day. Unfortunately, Roland deemed that someone needed to keep an eye out at Headquarters, so he opted out.

"Wait. I don't get it," Brick said bluntly, crossing his massive arms over the black leather biker vest on his huge chest.

Mordecai groaned at Brick's thick-headedness. "Ok. Here we go."

The plucky young mecromancer in a red skirt and black and white leggings swung her pig-tailed head in Brick's direction. Even over the thumping bar music, she gave an overstated sigh and placed one robotic hand and one normal hand on her hips.

She was about to re-explain until Lilith spoke up.

"Let me give this a shot." Lilith intervened and gave it to them straight, "Because everyone here is an over-trained killer. If we just play a regular game of darts it won't be fair –"

"Yeah," Axton interrupted. He nudged his chin in the assassin's direction. "Zer0 will kick all of our butts at a game like this. He throws knives for a living."

Zer0 shifted his helmet in the ex-Dahl commando's direction and flashed him a cheeky red winky face **;)**

"– IF," Lilith continued, cutting the assassin and the commando a huffy look. "The wish you share gets voted top two best, Brick; you take a turn and score points just like any other dart game. Instead, we will add points instead of deducting them. Does that sound about right, Gaige?" she clarified, sitting between her old teammates Brick and Mordecai.

Gaige gave the redheaded fire siren an animated thumbs up. "You got it, brah!"

"When you say 'wish' what does that entail really?" Mordecai pondered, leaning dangerously back on his seat, eyes always behind a pair of dark goggles sporting a pirate-like beard and red head wrap.

He took a hard swig from his bottle of rakk ale.

"She probably wants us to share a bunch of corny stuff," Maya offered, sipping from the straw on her colourful drink at the same time Zer0 sipped on his, the straw stuck strangely into his helmet somewhere.

"Who said anything about corny stuff?" Gaige enlightened and scoffed. "Just be creative and let's get hella wasted!"

Everyone cheered, grumbled, snorted, or harrumphed. Someone even burped.

"Gee, thanks, Salvador. I can smell that from over here," Axton jeered from the other side of the table sitting between Zer0 and Maya. He wrinkled his nose on his handsome face.

"The skag piles smell like roses!" Krieg just said it like it was.

Maya bemoaned and snickered, "Compared to Salvador… no kidding."

Salvador sat looking smug, tugging at the gun holsters over his rust-coloured shirt proudly.

"Oh! Before I forget," Gaige exclaimed with excitement, grabbing a small burlap sack off the floor behind her. "I made you all a present!"

The youngest vault hunter in the group dug into the sack and started handing out little boxes wrapped in shiny red paper complete with a ribbon.

"Aww, you didn't have to do this," Lilith told Gaige when she dropped a gift into her hands.

"Duh! Of course, I did silly!" she replied as if that was the dumbest thing she ever heard.

With green eyes shimmering, Gaige watched everyone tear into their present to find a tiny robotic replica of themselves.

In his dark gloved hands, Zer0 stared down at the figurine in his likeness, complete with a grey and black armoured-plated ninja-like suit and a blue-bladed digistruct sword in hand. Thumbing over the red-painted zero on the chest, he discovered it was also a small button.

He pushed it. _'I say, boom biatch / That's what you get for messing / With the assassin.'_

Oooh! It sounded just like him. A floating red heart appeared in front of his faceplate **< 3**

"A true work of art," he murmured his deep voice reverberating inside his helmet. "Your craftsmanship knows no bounds / You have my thanks, Gaige."

Gaige just giggled, soaking up the love.

Everyone was over the moon to receive the little robotic toy that played a recorded phrase they all said from time to time.

"You know what this means, don't you?" Brick proclaimed in his booming voice. "Now we can play another game of Bunkers and Badasses with playing pieces of ourselves! HAHAHA!"

"Speaking of which… where's Tiny Tina?" Mordecai wondered. "This dart game is right up her alley."

The fire siren rolled her smouldering yellow eyes and looked over at the sharpshooter.

"She's _thirteen_ and we're in a bar, Mordy. She's hanging out with Roland – said she felt sorry for him holding up the fort by all by himself," Lilith replied and smirked. "Trust me. They're probably having more fun than we are right about now. Tina brought over her hand puppets."

"Then I'm in the right place," Mordecai wisecracked.

A cacophony of recorded voices chattered over top of each other as each vault hunter pushed the button on their small figurine. For a while, the group was completely transfixed on pushing each other's buttons, so to speak.

Axton was watching their resident psycho sucking down the last of his drink through a straw worked underneath the scruffy white and orange mask on his face. He was making a racket trying to collect the last drops of liquid out of the glass.

The commando questioned, "What's that stuff you're drinking, Krieg? I've never seen a drink like that before. From the way you're haulin' on it, it must be good."

"Looks like piss," Brick said having no filters.

"All of our drinks look like piss, brother – except for Zer0 and Maya's, they have those colourful girly drinks," Mordecai said on the sly.

In unison, both Zer0 and Maya offhandedly gave Mordecai the middle finger.

He just cackled.

In a grandiose entrance, Moxxi came by with another tray of drinks, sashaying her hips wearing a seductive smile on a face painted like a sexy mime. Her revealing red dress, showing off a glimpse of blue panties underneath, matched her flirty mannerisms.

She overheard the current conversation and felt the need to speak up.

"You see, sweetie, I made Krieg a _special_ kind of drink all for him, but that's a secret that stays between us. Sorry sugar, but you know I don't like to kiss and tell… _much_ ," she said to Axton in her sultry way, setting the refills down and picking up the empty bottles and glasses.

The voice inside Krieg's head declared. _You know what._ _Moxxi is all right if you ask me. Letting us save face. She knows we don't often like to drink alcohol – we're already crazy enough as it is!_ The little man laughed. _Thanks to her, no one knows we're only drinking white grape juice._

"Fruit of a thousand crushed souls!" Krieg clamoured, toying with the bendy straw. "IT'S DELICIOUS!"

Everyone laughed while Maya and Zer0 stayed silent. They were the only two that understood what the psycho was saying, but the rest, not so much.

"Oh, you're welcome, darlin'," Moxxi told Krieg and wandered off back to the bar counter.

Bewildered stares were cast Krieg's way as if a few of them were seeing him in a completely new light. Seems the psycho was working the scenes backstage when no one was looking.

Krieg just sat, chuckling with devious laughter, letting them think what they wanted. _For the record guys, Moxxi is nice to look at, but she's not our type._

"Soo… _ARE_ we gonna play darts or what?" Gaige reminded everyone with exaggerated impatience.

"I guess if we have to…" Mordecai muttered.

At the start of the game, everyone was a little hesitant to share what they thought was a wish worth sharing and the drinks went down a lot faster. Especially, while everyone thought about these wishes and voiced them in turn.

Soon enough, inhibitions were slowly slipping away, and sharing wishes came a lot more easily. By the fifth round of the game, everyone but Krieg was feeling giggly because of the drink.

He was just giggly because everyone else was giggly. Now, his new friends were the ones acting like psychos and it tickled him pink.

Axton was making his figurine kiss everyone else's figurines. Mordecai fell back in his chair once and seemed doomed to the same fate again any moment, unaware that Lilith and Brick were secretly the ones making it happen. Maya had flushed cheeks and occasionally spoke to her drink as if it were a living breathing thing. Gaige could not stop laughing, and Salvador… he was currently attempting to eat Zer0's figurine.

With a sigh, Zer0 snatched his gift away from the hungry gunzerker just before he could chomp down on it.

**> _<**

Turns out, the game was a lot of fun and the side of the bar filled with rowdy vault hunters grew loud and boisterous. It even drew in a few onlookers who were avid dart players, keen on watching people of skill crushing the game with great throws.

"Ok, it's Sal's turn," Gaige began, standing before everyone, keeping track of the score. "So far you're in the lead, Salvador."

Zer0 chimed in out of nowhere. "Call me Sally," he quipped with a mild slur.

Peals of laughter burst out of everyone, even Salvador, the short hulking native of Pandora himself. It left Mordecai, Lilith, and Brick snickering more in surprise to Zer0's prime comedic timing, never seeing this side of the assassin before. However, the joke went over their heads.

Gaige blew a raspberry at the assassin.

Meh. Zer0 did not seem bothered about that, he was full of beans this evening. He flashed a playful **WTF** in front of his helmet, pretending to be offended.

"You're all a bunch of lightweights," Mordecai taunted at their lack of alcohol tolerance. "But, I feel like I’m missing out on that joke. Someone care to elaborate?"

Lilith and Brick nodded, hoping to find out what all the fuss was about, too.

Maya explained that the last time she and Gaige came here for drinks and some girl talk, Salvador wanted to come along. To secure his admittance to join them, said they could call him Sally.

Beer dribbled down the sides of Salvador's face as he guzzled half his pint before slamming it down on the table, foamy beer sloshing out of the mug. He shrugged and spoke at full volume. "I got drunk with two beautiful _chicas_. I regret nothing! _Bienvenidos a la fiesta, AMIGOS!_ "

"The man's got a point," Axton murmured thoughtfully.

"Yeah," Mordecai granted, "I'd let them call me Sally, too, my friend. Man… now that _is_ funny."

"DING!" Salvador blasted as if a light bulb went off in his brain. "My WISH is to get drunk with Maya and Gaige again." The gunzerker sighed. "Man, I learned so much about myself that night..."

There was a mix of cringed laughter and 'aww's' going around.

Maya's blue-painted lips curved into a smirk. She told the double-wielding gunslinger, "You got it, Sal."

Gaige had her arms wrapped around Salvador's noggin, nearly crushing his thick head in a vice-grip kinda hug. "All righty! It's Lilith's turn."

Even though Gaige was messing up his mohawk, Salvador just ate it up.

"Hmm… my wish," the Firehawk began, thinking it over. "You know what would be kick-ass? I wish that Roland and I could go on another vacation. No bullshit. No secret agendas. Just him and I. A beach. Some sun. And a helluva lot of cheap wine."

"Hear. Hear!" Mordecai agreed. "I wish this beer was a beautiful woman that _I_ could take on a vacation."

Axton hinted at playfully. "I think… you're almost there."

The group chuckled and Mordecai replied, "You got that right, _amigo_. Alcohol… my sweet mistress…"

Gaige announced, "Your turn, Haiku Man!"

Zer0 'hmm'd' as he thought about another wish for this round. This time his mind wandered to the day, Grandma Flexington gave Krieg and him a piece of blueberry pie – the day he took a nap against the big bad psycho. A red heart appeared before his helmet **< 3**

"Providential wish / I want pie. Blueberry pie. / Grandma's specialty," Zer0 shared.

Salvador wholeheartedly agreed and rumbled, "Ooh, yes."

"What's with that emote, Zer0?" Lilith wondered. "Was the pie really that good?"

The assassin answered simply. "It was."

"Muahahahahaha!" Krieg chuckled.

"Weirdos," Maya teased.

"Maya, your turn, sista!" the mecromancer said bouncing around in front of the tables again, pointing a bionic metal finger at the blue-haired siren.

"Gee, my turn again… um… " Maya hummed and hawed until her blue eyes widened with an idea. "I know! I wish for a long hot bubble bath."

That comment had Krieg spitting out a mouthful of grape juice and all the guys staring at her in awe.

Ignoring the slobbering dogs, Lilith could not have agreed more with the fellow siren. "Maya, that sounds like heaven right about now," she told her with a sigh.

The two siren women saluted each other and sipped their drinks respectively.

Gaige was laughing. "Cool your jets gentlemen. You know how hard it is to get a good bath around here?"

"No kidding," Axton replied. "Last time I sat in a tub all I could hear was Claptrap outside dub-stepping around town. Kinda killed the moment."

All of the vault hunter's groaned subjected to Claptrap's attempt to dub-step on multiple occasions.

Maya reminded the redheaded team leader of this dart game, "Gaige you haven't taken a turn yet."

"Oh, right," she said as if just realizing that. "Ok. This is more of a wish question. I wish to know what the Meat Man does for fun. And I don't mean killing bandits – we all dig _that_ so the point is moot," Gaige said. "Well, what do you do for fun, Krieg?"

All eyes were on the enormous psycho.

Krieg scratched his baldhead between the straps of his psycho mask and hollered out the first thing that came to his mind.

"Eating monkey faces!" he supplied with a devious growl and laughed.

There was a short pause in the frivolity.

"That sounds about right," Mordecai said with sarcasm, scoffing with amusement. "I have no idea what he's talking about but it sounds disgusting."

"Man, you ARE one funny guy, Krieg," Brick bellowed with a chuckle. "He gets my vote."

"Not yet, Brick," Lilith reminded her friend dryly.

Thankfully hidden under a long black helmet, no one could see Zer0's face burning hot behind the visor. He had a sneaking suspicion the psycho was talking about their recent kiss. Krieg was always calling him 'ninja monkey' but he never did so around any of these guys.

Observing the others, Zer0 was certain no one really understood that. Not even Maya. _Phew_.

Gaige just giggled and blinked at Krieg for a moment. "I feel like I learned nothing but you're always so eager to play along, thanks, Krieg!" She told him happily.

Krieg rumbled with deviance.

 _Dude. I bet you think you're pretty clever._ _You promised Zer0 you wouldn't kiss and tell about him being our friend with benefits._ The inner Krieg said to psycho Krieg. _You're lucky no one understands what you just said. Still,_ t _hat was T.M.I – too much info, you idiot!_

Krieg grew silent and started to fret with his straw. He glanced over at Zer0 from across the table. All he could see was flashing multi-coloured starlights decorated all around the bar reflected in his glassy visor. Was the assassin angry with him?

There was no way to tell.

"Well, now we know what Krieg does with his free time – sounds kinda fun, if you ask me," Salvador contemplated and drawled, "How about he shares his next wish?"

"Yeah. How about it, big guy, what do you wish for this time around?" Maya asked him.

Again, all eyes were on Krieg.

With his one good eye, the psycho set an unreadable gaze on Maya and then on everyone else. Ok, he had been naughty once but he was not going to be naughty twice. He would keep this wish PG-13… well, kinda.

"Pungent kill sticks for EVERYONE!" He clamoured about the next best thing that came to mind. _Much better._

Now _that_ had everyone chattering excitedly. Nothing made vault hunters happier than a shiny new gun with maxed-out stats.

"Yup, Krieg gets my vote just for that," Mordecai mentioned with a scoff. "I actually understood him this time."

"Not so fast," Gaige alleged, "We still have Axton and Brick. Then you all can vote. Axton…?"

"My turn, huh?" The commando laughed sitting there dressed in his army greens. "I know _just_ the thing," he said running his fingers through his sandy brown hair. "My wish is that Jack eats a rotten pretzel and comes down with an explosive case of diarrhea and can't get off the toilet for a week _while_ … being stuck on a space station breathing in his recycled farts!"

That brought out plenty of 'eww's' but the loudest fit of the giggles yet. Of course, everything is much funnier when you have a couple of drinks in you. And, a jab at Hyperion or Jack was an all-around, sure bet.

"All that's left is the Slab King," Gaige said after picking herself up from the floor where she had been laughing hysterically because poop and fart jokes never got old.

"I wish…" Brick began as if he were leading up to something awesome. "To put my FIST through that dartboard."

Lilith heaved a sigh. "Err… that's been your wish for the last _four_ rounds, Brick."

"That's my answer and I'm stickin' to it," he answered stubbornly.

Mordecai tipped a bottle in Brick's direction. "Have it your way, _amigo_."

Gaige shrugged. "Welp! Let's vote!"

Everyone called out a name. The winners were Krieg and Axton.

Both vault hunters got up from their seats, ready to take three shots each at the dartboard with a collection of serrated hunting knives.

The group sitting nearby watched and cheered them on.

Axton went first. He held the knife by the wooden handle and threw it like a dart with good form, sobering up just long to get the job done. One hit the bull's eye, the second in the ring just outside the bull's eye and the third landed in the bottom portion of the 20-point spot.

"Oooh! That's 95 points this round!" Gaige calculated. "That's going to be hard to beat. Meat Man, go get 'em!"

This was the first time he won the chance to throw, so Krieg was eager for a turn.

He took the three blades from Axton who patted his arm like a gentleman and wished him luck. Krieg lined himself up for the shot. Unlike Axton, he held the knife by the blade, pointing the handle towards the board, which surprised a few of them.

"Aim to kill!" Zer0 encouraged his friend.

"Yeah!" Maya agreed with the assassin. "Make Axton eat your dust."

With his favourite people yelling words of encouragement at him, Krieg struggled to concentrate. _Remember what he taught us._ Right. Staring at the dartboard, he grew dangerously silent and focused. He inhaled slowly and threw the knife on the exhale with an impressive amount of control and flick of his wrist.

The first knife entered the 20-point zone on the upper portion of the board.

"Guh!" Not great.

Determined, Krieg blocked everyone out and tried again, using the same tactics. This time, he hit the triple point ring in the 20-point section for 60 points. _Hells yeah!_

Lastly, he got the bull's eye.

"Nnnngh! HAHAHAHA!" Krieg was _very_ pleased with himself. He only messed up one shot.

Maya and Zer0 celebrated Krieg's win by toasting their colourful drinks together in satisfying triumph.

"That's 130 points for Krieg! I believe that puts him in the lead of the game by 20 points. Salvador is now in second place. Looks like we have a shark on our hands," Gaige sing-songed.

"I think someone's been getting pointers from Zer0," Salvador hinted, nudging the assassin next to him in the arm with his elbow. "I recognize that fighting style anywhere."

"Is that what you guys are doing with your free time during your missions – fooling around with knives?" Axton wondered playfully. "I dunno why I'm asking. Knowing you two, it shouldn't come as a surprise."

Zer0 had just the comeback. "Sharing a new skill / In the art of killing is / Not fooling around." _Suckers._ Zer0 mused to himself with a smirk and sipped on his drink via the straw _. That is not all Krieg and I do._

"I don't care what they do… _THAT. WAS. AWESOME!_ " Brick bellowed. "I wanna learn how to throw a knife like that."

That brought a red holographic emote glowing in front of Zer0's helmet **:D** "I can teach you," the assassin offered looking over at Brick.

"HA! Deal. I'm holding you to that buddy," Brick hollered from a few seats away.

The dart game continued.

By the time all ten rounds played out, Lilith surprised everyone by winning the game. Turns out she had a couple of great wishes stuffed up her sleeve and she was a pretty good shot herself.

Krieg came in second place. Salvador in third.

However, none of that mattered when the laughs and jokes were the true winners of the evening. Everyone was feeling warm and fuzzy.

"Man… I'm really jonesing for that bath now," Maya murmured. Realizing she said that aloud, she laughed and snorted, then laughed again because she snorted.

That is when Lilith stood up surprisingly steady, even though she was loaded. "I think it's time I shared my little secret with you, Maya. I'm going to draw you the hottest bath in the whole fucking world – you can thank me later," she told her and bragged. "Might as well put these crazy siren powers to good use, right?"

"Is this like a girl's only sort of thing?" Mordecai did not try to screen the innuendo.

Lilith sighed and straight-up ignored her pervy old teammate. She said to the fellow siren, "Unless you would rather hang around with these chumps. That's your call. But, I think I'm ready to call it a night. Whaddaya think, Maya?"

Maybe there really is a Mercenary Day saint looking out for her, Maya thought. "How can I refuse that offer, Lilith?" She replied. "Sorry guys… greener pastures and all that. I need this."

Maya got up from her seat and Krieg jumped up out of his.

"Hey, I'm a big girl, big guy. Don't worry about me. I've been in worse shape. I'll be fine." Maya patted Krieg on the arm and told him. "You did good, tonight. It's nice to see you having a good time. I want you to keep having it. Oh, and keep an eye on these idiots, okay? "

With a nod, Krieg grunted and sat back down.

"What? You can't leave," Gaige moaned at Maya, "The night is still young."

"I hate to break it to ya, Gaige, but I'd trade places with Maya in a heartbeat," Axton divulged and looked over at the fire siren. "Lilith… why her and not me?"

Lilith gave Axton a most cynical laugh. "You think I'd let _you_ use my private bathtub? Not a chance, killer." Then she said to the group, "Well, it's been a blast. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Axton only sulked for a heartbeat and said, "Later, ladies."

With that, Maya left the bar in tow behind Lilith and Krieg stared after her, even long after she left.

Afterward, Krieg chortled in his unruly way. His face was still hot after the nice way that Maya spoke to him. He felt good.

He glanced over at Zer0 who flashed him a meaningful smile **:)** He was the only person here that truly knew how he felt about the siren. And Krieg grinned under his mask, delighted to share his winning moment with someone.

Everyone else was too busy yammering in a drunken stupor to notice, which was perfectly fine by Krieg. It was a lot more fun to watch them and listen to their antics, while he drank his grape juice, thinking about the two loves in his life.

Krieg did not need booze to make him feel any better than he did right now. He felt spoiled.

The vault hunters remaining seemed in no hurry to leave anytime soon.

Before long Gaige was initiating arm wrestling competitions with Axton and Mordecai, who thought they could foolishly defeat her robotic arm. Sadly, they were demolished by the tiny mecromancer and declared it was not fair, demanding a rematch only if she used her normal arm.

That is when Salvador stepped up to the plate insisting he could beat Gaige's metal arm. However, even after a huffing-and-puffing effort… he lost, too.

Zer0 and Brick were throwing knives at the dartboard for fun after the assassin showed him the position and stance to use to throw them as he taught Krieg.

Krieg was all over the knife throwing, too. Until he grabbed his buzz axe to give that a whirl, caught up in the moment.

Brick knows not what he does sometimes. He just does.

Thinking with brawn instead of brains, he was encouraging the psycho vault hunter. "Now that's what I’m talking about! We should play darts with buzz axes instead!"

However, Zer0 quickly intervened and gently placed his hand on Krieg's raised arm and said, "Down, boy. Moxxi will / Kill us if we destroy her / Much beloved bar."

Sigh. Why was Zer0 so damn smart? Krieg lowered the buzz axe and growled at him, "The itch NEEDS scratching!"

"I know it does." The assassin said casually while a reckless idea blossomed like a deadly flower inside his mind. "Hmm. Wanna kill stuff later?"

That phrase made Krieg stop short. When Zer0 said that to him it was typically their secret code for sex. No one was ever the wiser. Now, he wasn't sure what he wanted more - shredding bandits or shredding into Zer0's cute backside. Both activities were delightfully rewarding.

"YES YES YES! I wanna hear the BLOOD SCREAMS!" Krieg answered.

"And you shall have both," Zer0 told him. "For now let's enjoy ourselves / By getting shit-faced."

"HA! Shit-faced. That's funny coming from you, brother." Mordecai granted the fellow sniper and chuckled. "We need to take you out drinking more often."

Brick was just gawking at them. "How'd you two do that? You actually understand that guy, Zer0. Or are you just humouring him?"

"They do that all the time," Axton answered flippantly.

"It's crazy awesome!" Gaige said and sighed. "But I wish I knew what they were saying half the time."

"You're killing the buzz, _putas!_ " Salvador started shoving his way through and grabbed the dart knives out of Zer0's hands. "Let me show you, ladies, how to _really_ throw darts."

Everyone was on their feet now, clamouring around the dartboard, having a good time.

No buzz axes allowed.

After Krieg downed his sixth glass of grape juice, admittedly feeling kind of sick of the stuff by now, he had to take a leak in the _worst_ way.

He grumbled to no one in particular, "Time to powder my liver!"

Zer0 watched Krieg sauntering off towards the men's restroom and grinned to himself. Perfect. The opportunity he had been waiting for presented itself. Oh, yes. _Challenge accepted._

"Going to the bar / To order another drink / Be back in a jiff," he versed and made his exit before anyone could reply.

No one seemed to care.

Timing it just right, Zer0 used his deceptive skill and vanished, only reappearing inside the men's washroom. Where he leaned back against the dirty sink and crossed his arms over the armoured chest of his sneaking suit, waiting patiently for Krieg to finish his business at the urinal.

The psycho flushed and zipped up, fixing his belt. When he turned around, he was startled to see Zer0 there.

He guffawed loudly. "Sneaky monkey…"

"Let's fuck." Zer0 got straight to the point. "Here. _Now_."

 _What? Here in the bathroom?! I… I thought you meant later after we leave the bar._ The little man said with astonishment between Krieg's ears.

The psycho stood planted to the floor and just blinked dumbly at the assassin.

Zer0 scoffed and grabbed Krieg by the hand. He led him into one of the cheap bathroom stalls with a grimy toilet, cracked tiles and lewd graffiti scrawled all over the walls. He shut the door, twisted the lock, and put his back against it, and began undoing his belt buckle and pants.

"Seize the moment Krieg. / The others are occupied. / Too drunk to notice," the assassin assured and murmured, "I’m already hard."

The psycho chuckled at that piece of news.

"Pickled…?" Krieg asked him, poking a finger into Zer0's chest.

"Am _I_ drunk?" The assassin's laugh was deep and low. As he turned off his ECHO and then Krieg's he explained, "Only a mild buzz. Alcohol does not affect me for as long as it affects regular humans. Don't tell the others."

Krieg was well aware that Zer0 was not one hundred percent human, not after he showed him those beautiful aqua-coloured eyes with a slit for a pupil.

However, before he could get hot with the moment, he just had to know. "Not angry with the Meat Man…?"

Zer0's helmet darted up to look at the psycho. "What? No… don't worry / They did not get it. You can / Eat my face later."

Now a profound chuckle rumbled out of Krieg's chest. Suddenly everything felt all right again. The thought that Zer0 might be mad at him for nearly spilling the beans, gnawed at his heart from the moment he blabbed it.

Arousal burned inside of him like a hot steamy blast and Krieg could not deal with his belt and zipper fast enough.

Mmm! Spontaneous quickies were the best. His dick was hard in under a minute.

With their pants hiked down to their thighs, Krieg roughly turned Zer0 around, slamming him up against the flimsy metal door, and rubbed his cock between his ass cheeks. Reaching around, his right hand stroked Zer0's pretty cock.

By now, he knew the assassin so well, he popped open one of his ammunition pouches and fumbled around single-handedly until he found a small vial of lube the man kept on him. Just for moments like this one.

Lifting his mask just enough to twist the cap off with his teeth, Krieg spat the cap out and let his mask drop back into place. He shook the slick goo all over his cock as if he was adding a special seasoning to it and dropped the bottle aimlessly to the paper-littered floor.

There was no time to waste on etiquette.

With his massive hand, he stroked the lubricant along his thick engorged length and thumbed some of it against Zer0's entrance. He slipped his thumb inside of him, up to the knuckle, and worked the lube into him for a hasty moment, while his other hand stroked Zer0's throbbing cock.

The foreplay was succinct. No time for that either.

While holding on to the top edge of the stall door, Zer0 hissed out an, "Oh, yes…" as Krieg pressed the swollen tip of his cock against his backside.

Under the helmet, the assassin was clenching his teeth and releasing echoic grunts as Krieg filled him.

The psycho thrust into Zer0 with short jerking strokes in sharp succession, rutting into his tight ass. Banging him against the metal door as they heedlessly fucked in the bar restroom.

The place was grimy, stunk to high heaven – it was complete filth, comparative to the wanton deed happening behind stall door number 1.

None of that mattered. They just wanted to get off.

Just then, the heavy restroom door opened and swung shut with a thump. Someone entered the washroom, shoes clicking on the hard floor.

Krieg stilled, breathing heavily through his nose, his dick buried to the hilt and hands holding onto the assassin's skinny hips.

 _Well, crap._ Zer0 thought. He silently slid his gloved fingers away from the edge of the stall door he was holding, controlling his breath, which he was an expert at doing.

"Oh? What's this," began an all too familiar voice. "Dare I say? I do believe I have just stumbled upon some gratuitous intercourse of the male variety. A preferable taste, if I do say so myself."

It was, Sir Hammerlock.

The bold, bespectacled adventure-seeking elderly man that always spoke in a refined manner, dressed as if he was ready to explore the jungle. By the sounds of it, he had one too many drinks this evening himself.

The man gave a mischievous chortle.

Zer0 was biting his lip behind his faceplate. Krieg could not stay still. He kept gliding inside of him ever so slowly, not making a peep, obviously not threatened enough to remain stationary. The assassin could feel every rigid inch of psycho's fat cock strumming him like a finger gently caressing the trigger.

 _Fuck._ It was awesome.

"Jolly good." Hammerlock cleared his throat. "Apologies abound. Fear not, I shall drain the lizard elsewhere and leave you, gentlemen, to it. Carry on."

As soon as the door shut behind Sir Hammerlock, Krieg chuckled impishly behind his psycho mask. He sped up again and thrust into Zer0 harder than before, catching a glimpse of himself moving in and out of the other man's body.

A red heart burned in front of Zer0's helmet, his fingers once again curled over the lip of the stall door as he held on for dear life. They were nearly quiet except for their panting, sounds of skin smacking off skin, and the thumping stall door.

This public stunt and nearly getting caught created an intoxicating rush of adrenaline. It had Krieg reaching climax, in mere minutes.

Zer0 was not far behind.

Krieg felt every muscle in his body start to spasm as surges of intense pleasure spread to every corner of his body. He pulled out and turned the assassin around forcibly.

"Knees… _do it!_ " he growled out.

 _Oh?_ Zer0 pulled his pants up over his bare ass and squatted. His helmet tilted back mesmerized as Krieg furiously massaged his cock against his mirrored faceplate. He purred when jets of semen streaked across his visor listening as Krieg tried so hard to muffle his orgasmic moans and groans.

It would be a bitch to clean but the assassin was a kinky thing. He approved of Krieg's lewd stunt unequivocally, "Naughty…"

After quickly fixing his pants, Krieg urged that they trade places.

Now Krieg stood in front of the door in this cramped bathroom stall. This time, he knelt. He hauled Zer0 in closer by his hips. This time he did not think twice as he lifted the psycho mask so that it sat on top of his head.

There was no petting, licking, or small talk. He slid every inch of Zer0's cock into his mouth and throat in one go. The man had been close. Krieg would break him with pleasure in record time.

"Mmm…" Zer0 groaned deeply. "Keep doing that. I’m… _almost_ … there."

Krieg's mouth was so warm, wet, and demanding. He sucked his cock with such intensity that Zer0's thighs started to shake. It felt like every muscle in his body was alive and trembling.

When he looked down through his cum-streaked visor, he saw the psycho mask staring back at him, resting on top of Krieg's head. He could not see much of Krieg's face, but he could see the tip of his nose and lips wrapped around his cock.

The assassin smiled to himself, pleased that Krieg was getting over his bashfulness around him.

What a sight.

Zer0 was riveted on his length sliding in and out of Krieg's mouth like that, those lips he loved to kiss wrapped so intimately around him. The way the head of his cock kept hitting the back of Krieg's throat…

Devilishly, just before he lost all control, Zer0 grabbing the edge of the stall door again and fucked the psycho's willing throat. His dick sloshing into that hot mouth and Krieg's fingers gripping into his thighs fiercely made Zer0 groan.

In seconds, it brought him to the edge and threw himself off of it.

Krieg purred in a low rumble as hot bursts of cum pumped into his mouth. With a hand, he stroked Zer0's pulsing length, squeezing every drop out of him. When the assassin had nothing more to give, he swallowed his mouthful.

Fixing his mask back over his face, Krieg stood up and caught his breath, growling ever so softly with contentment.

Delighted by their risky business and satisfied all at once, he drew a finger across Zer0's faceplate. Smearing the gunk, he put there with a glint of wickedness in his left eye.

"I should make you lick it clean." Zer0 mused.

With a shrug, Krieg blinked and leaned in to do just that. He didn't care. He'd do it.

"Eww. It was a joke." Zer0 pressed his hand against Krieg's chest, urging him back a step with an incredulous snicker. "We should go back. You go first. / I need to clean up."

"A spine-tingler later in the bloodless dark?" the psycho asked.

"I can hear Gaige now / Duh! Of course you silly man." Zer0 shook his head wretchedly and sighed. "Did I do that right?"

"Needs more screaming!" Krieg boomed with laughter and left the stall.

Even as he left the restroom, he was still laughing feeling as if he was walking on clouds, thinking a mildly buzzed Zer0 was a riot.

*********

**Moxxi** was wiping down the bar counter when Krieg walked by heading back to his vault hunting friends. At first, she thought nothing of it. However, on a second glance, she could have sworn there was a certain aura permeating off the strapping psycho.

When it came to body language, of a sexual nature, Mad Moxxi knew her shit.

There was a telltale spring of exaltation in Krieg's step, which was not there earlier.

She batted her long eyelashes and began to wonder who the lucky recipient was when the ever-mysterious Zer0 wandered by the counter, one of the few people that would not give her sexual advances the time of day.

Flirting with him was like flirting with a rock, however…

For the first time, the assassin – whom she would _love_ to peel out of that suit to find out what lies underneath – looked over and beamed a huge smile at her **:D**

Her red lips curved and she smiled back at him as it dawned on her.

She gave a sultry laugh. "Well, it looks like their holiday went out with a _bang._ "

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed that as much as I enjoyed writing it! I was playing around in Marcus's Mercenary Shop DLC and got this idea for this fic. Screw you, Mister Tinder Snowman! And yes... there really is a singing psycho in that DLC - he'll sing you an entire song if you choose to listen to him lols! Also, I used to main Mordecai so writing him was a lot of fun! 
> 
> This series will be moving into the BL3 universe next. I have a few new ideas. Need to brainstorm some more.
> 
> Anyways, I really wanted to give you readers something nice and naughty for the holidays. Happy Christmas and whichever holiday you celebrate! Thanks for reading! Best of luck in the new year! :3


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